A difference in perceptions

One day I was called by the mortuary staff. This was unusual. I liaised with the mortuary staff over our regular baby funerals but I didn't often get called out by them.

What had happened was a young man aged 24 had died suddenly and unexpectedly. Many of the young mans family had gathered at the mortuary and they were very distressed. I sat with them for about an hour as the grief poured out of them. 

Eventually it became clear that they wanted me to do something formal. I asked them if they wanted to come over to the chapel, which they did. I made up a short ceremony for them and got them all to light a candle for the young man. Then I also lit a separate candle for the man’s 2 year old son and said a prayer for him. At this point the chapel was so still and quiet you could’ve heard a pin drop. I played a piece of music and then left them sitting quietly. It was like no-one wanted to move. They stayed perfectly still for about 20 minutes while I just stood at the back praying silently for them all. 

Eventually they left one by one shaking my hand on the way out. I must admit I felt pretty useless. It’s hard standing in the face of such raw emotion. I went home feeling pretty tired and wrung out.

I saw the family a month later when they came to the annual memorial service. They greeted me like a long lost friend and gave me big hugs. They said I had really made a difference to them that day and thanked me profusely. 

It made me realise yet again that we can never know what helps and what doesn’t because it will always be different for each family. It is ok also to feel useless but it is just possible that the family are not perceiving it that way.