May my words be in the name of the living God creating,
redeeming and sustaining. Amen.
It’s a hard week to stand before you as a priest in the
God's church after the awful atrocities that have happened recently. How do we
make sense of living in such a challenging and at times violent and scary
world? That is the weight I carry from being in public office.
I was so proud of my students this week as they stood in
silence for a minute as I led a reflection for them over the tannoy. I so hope
that they grow up in a world that is more peaceful and just. I know though deep
in my heart that that will only happen if we work for it.
Today is the last Sunday of the year. The Sunday when we
celebrate Christ the King. The Jesus who triumphed over the world that treated
him so badly. This building gives us a visual aid in our wonderful statue
depicting a huge Jesus in triumph holding the world in the palm of his hand and
blessing it. Today though is also when we stop and think about violence against
women and girls. There is a bit of me that wonders if all this King stuff which
comes out of and is still very patriarchal props up some abuses of women. I
think it's awful when people justify their bad, abusive or violent behaviour in
the name of religion. That is clearly wrong. Just as an aside when you hear the
terrorists described as Muslims please resist that temptation to agree. They
are no more Muslims than the KKK were Christians.
Unbelievable Daesh, you will not hear me refer to them by
the name they prefer because they are not Islamic and they are not a State, use
rape and murder of women as a tool of war. Sadly many soldiers still do. Daesh though
are taking it a step further a killing the older woman and taking their daughters
and granddaughters and raping them. They then sell them as sex slaves with contracts
and paper works like some horrific commodity instead of a human being. This has particularly
been the case for a group of Yazidi Christian women. They are then used to try and
attract more men to Daesh. Many of these women try to kill themselves because they
know their strict Christianity means they will be shunned by their communities if
they escape. The elders and Priests have got together and issued a decree that says
these women will not be judged because of what has happed to them and since then
the suicide rate has gone down.
The global problem of violence against women and girls is a
blight on humanity and we must learn from it. That means more of us need to move
from comfortable positions, like the Yazidi priests and speak out against it.
Bringing things back to our own setting, as you know
equality and justice are things I am very passionate about, especially when it
comes to violence against women and children. I remember I went on a Barnardo’s
course on child prostitution once and this little quote really hit me. “Some
things have to be seen to be believed” “Some things have to be seen to be
believed” I guess it hit me because it’s the reverse of what Jesus says to
Thomas. If you don’t believe that domestic abuse is happening here in this
church, then you won’t see it. If you don’t believe any of your friends or
families are in abusive relationships, then you won’t see it. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone,
and in all kinds of relationships - heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender. People suffer domestic abuse regardless of their
gender, social group, class, age, race, disability, religion, sexuality or lifestyle. The abuse can begin at any time either in new relationships
or after many years spent together.
As those of you that have heard me preach on this subject
before will know I have worked in and around the field of domestic abuse for
over 20 years. When I speak about domestic abuse I do not use gender neutral
language because to do so would deny the reality of the situation. I will talk
about men as the perpetrators and women and the survivors of abuse because
statistically speaking, and overwhelmingly so, that is the case. The danger in
doing that is that some of you may be sitting there thinking “but what about
men who experience abuse?” I accept and agree that men also experience abuse.
The good practise that I talk about applies to whoever is experiencing and
whoever is perpetrating the abuse. I think abuse and violence is wrong full
stop.
I also want to make it clear that just because I am pro
women doesnt mean I am anti-men.
Some of you may not be sure what we exactly mean by
domestic abuse. The Diocesan manual called “A Safe Church” defines it as such:
“All forms of domestic abuse cause damage to the
survivor, particularly to their self esteem, and express an imbalance in power
in the relationship. Abuse can on rare occasions happen only once, but usually
it is a systematic, repeated and often escalating pattern of behaviour by which
the abuser seeks to control, limit and humiliate, often behind closed doors.
Abusive behaviour can take many forms, and the following examples are not
exhaustive.
Physical, psychological and emotional, financial, sexual,
spiritual or neglect and isolation."
I helped write that definition and am proud of what has
been done in this Diocese. Ok having laid some groundwork let’s look at the
reality.
If you've never experienced domestic abuse it can be
difficult to imagine just what those affected have to go through. Some of you
may have heard me say this before but I think it's worth repeating.
I’m sure we all know what a bully is...
Imagine living with a bully all the time, but being
too scared to leave.
Imagine being afraid to go to sleep at night, being
afraid to wake up in the morning.
Imagine being denied food, warmth or sleep.
Imagine being punched, slapped, hit, bitten, pinched
and kicked.
Imagine being pushed, shoved, burnt, strangled,
raped, beaten.
Imagine having to seek permission to go out, to see
your friends or your family or to give your children a treat.
Imagine that you believe what they tell you - that
it's your fault. That if only you
were a better mother, lover, housekeeper, kept your mouth shut, could only
keep the children quiet, dressed how they liked you to, kept in shape, gave up
your job - somehow things would get better.
Imagine being constantly told
you’re ugly, useless, fat, no one would ever want you, that you would not be
able to cope without him.
Imagine their threats if you dare to say you will
leave. How could you ever find the strength to leave? Will you ever be safe
again?
Imagine threats to find and kill you and your
children, wherever you go.
Imagine permanent injuries and sometimes death.
That is the reality
that 1 in 4 women live with during their lifetime. In this country alone 2
women are killed every week by a current or former partner. Of those women that
are killed 75% are killed at or around the time of leaving, so leaving is a
very dangerous thing to do.
Many people ask me
why do women stay in these relationships? I think that’s the wrong question
because it puts the responsibility on her, we should be asking why does he do
it? But going back to the original question, when a woman leaves we’ve already
discovered this is the most dangerous time. What she gains from leaving is an immediate
loss of her house and possessions. Maybe she has to leave her children behind,
she loses her status, her pets. She loses her local support as often for safety
reasons, she needs to move away. Her children have to change school. She also
loses the man she fell in love with because she fell in love with a charmer not
an abuser.
What she gains is a
heightened risk of attack, financial worries, lack of security of tenure for a
while, as refuges and hostels can keep women for up to 2 years sometimes before
they go into a permanent housing. Stop I hear you cry, what about all the
positives she gains. Yes she does regain her freedom and independence, her self
esteem and confidence but they all take years to build up whereas her losses
are immediate.
As I said it’s a
complex subject, it’s not just as simple as why doesn’t she leave.
On top of all that we
have a load of well meaning Christians as well as a few dodgy ones propping up
the abusive situation using verses like these:
1 Tim 2: 11-14
A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or have authority
over a man. She must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was
not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.
Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit to your husband’s as to the Lord. For the husband is the
head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is
the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit
to their husbands in everything.
There are hundreds or verses like this in the bible but that’s only
looking at it from one perspective and not seeing it as the historical document
of its own context.
I want you to remember this if you don’t remember anything else I have
ever preached about or tried to teach God is a God of the living not the dead. That
is the lens through which I want us to read the bible. God is a God of the
living not the dead because when we are dead the wholeness of God will be
revealed.
Let’s have a look at a few other verses.
I
Corinthians 16:19
The churches of Asia salute you. Aquila and Priscilla
salute you much in the Lord, with the church that is in their house.
Galatians
3:27-28
For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have
put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free,
there is neither male nor female: for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
These are just a few verses that can be used to counteract
some of the other verses. Many people have those WWJD bracelets. I say instead
of wondering what would Jesus do lets just do what he did. Wouldn’t our
churches be great places if we did that and based ourselves on Jesus' actions
and then argue about all the conflicting scriptural verses when we get to heaven
and meet St Paul and some of the other authors. Come to think of it wouldn’t
the synod outcomes be different if votes were based on what Jesus did rather
than what we think we can do in the Church of England?
As I finish off I’d like to give you a few really
important do’s and don’ts when working with people affected by domestic abuse.
Do…
- approach her about the abuse in a sensitive way, for example by saying, ‘I’m worried about you because…’
- believe what she tells you: it will have taken a lot for her to talk to you and trust you. You will only hear the tip of the iceberg at first
- take the abuse seriously.
- focus on her safety: talk to her about it and how she could protect herself
- help her to understand that the abuse is not her fault and that no-one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do
- inform yourselves and take the safeguarding policy seriously
Remember: if you feel overwhelmed or
frightened yourself, get help.
Don’t…
- blame her or ask judgemental questions such as, ‘What did you do to make him treat you like that?’ or ‘Why don’t you just break up with him?’
- focus on trying to work out the abuser’s reasons for the abuse.
- try and listen and mediate to both parties
- recommend anger management for the abuser. He manages his anger very well. His boss annoys him then he comes home and hits his partner where it doesn’t show
Even though I became quite senior in the secular work I
was doing in relation to domestic abuse, I always insisted on doing some face
to face and group work. This was disconcerting at first to my colleagues, they
soon got used to “the boss” working with them.
For two years there was an overlap between my theological
education and being the manager of a large women’s centre. I was really glad to
have the challenge of working out my theology in this context.
One of the women I was supporting was extremely religious
and took her marriage vows really seriously. She felt she couldn’t leave her
abusive husband because of the vows she had made in church. I tried to reassure
her that her husband had broken the covenant of the marriage by the use of his
violence towards her. She was having none of it. She told me her husband was
the head of the household and she must submit to him. I urged her to read
further into St Paul’s words and that it also says that husbands should look
after their wives. Again she wasn’t convinced.
Sometimes she was so sad that tears seemed to plop
straight out of her eyes without even touching her cheeks. At times like that
I’d reassure her with those lovely words from Romans 8 about nothing separating
us from the love of God.
One day she came to see me and had obviously taken a
beating the night before. I wanted to take over and tell her what to do I was
so outraged. In as calm a voice as I could manage I asked her how long she was
going to put up with this. She told me that her husband had begged her to
forgive him and reminded her that the Bible says you must forgive.
I then spoke to the woman that true forgiveness requires
real repentance and it’s through that that we can be reconciled. She still kept
saying but the bible says I must forgive 70x7 and that I must turn the other
cheek. I then found out that the Pastor in their church had been working with
both parties and told her she must be a dutiful wife and not provoke him and
that he (the pastor) would help the husband with his anger management.
I think at that point I needed anger management and I
prayed very hard for God to help me out. During my studies, at the time, we’d
been looking at marriage and the most common reading during wedding ceremonies,
which of course we all know, is 1 Corinthians 13. I got my bible out at this
passage and said to her this was the passage that most people had in their
marriage service and was a good passage for Christian marriage to be built on.
She agreed. I then asked her to read it out loud but every time she came across
the word love she was to substitute her husband’s name.
That would change the reading from this:
Love is patient; love is
kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not
irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the
truth. It bears all things, believes
all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
To this:
Abuse is patient; abuse
is kind; abuse is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude...
It was that simple
substitution of his name that made this woman see that her husband wasn’t doing
his bit in the marriage or living with the most important Christian value of
love. She clung to me as I reassured her that it would be alright. She stayed
while I found her refuge accommodation and arranged a police escort so she
could pick up her belongings.
I hope and pray that in this hurting world where women
are still kept in their place using religion, that more of us can give away
that love which means we can all have life and have it abundantly. Amen.
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