The gorgeous fella in the photo was my friend Bert. I met him and his wife Ros when I was 12. They were always so lovely to me. Bert was a very fit bloke and soon realised I was mad about sport too. He invited me to join him and some friends for their Saturday morning jogs. We use to meet up at Oxleas Woods and for a warm up would do a lap of the meadow while chucking a rugby ball at each other that Bert called “the pill”. After this we would then head off into the woods. Bert never went the same way twice. Back in those days there was no such thing as an outside gym. This didn’t stop Bert though. He would find low hung branches to do pull ups on, fallen trees to practice our balance, ditches to jump and stumps to do step ups on. I so looked forward to my Saturday mornings.
Sadly Bert died nearly 2 years ago. He lived to a ripe old age probably because he had been so fit all his life. Another thing we had in common was our love of motorbikes. He would sometimes take me on the back of his. He would explain about belt drives and other such stuff that sounded good but went right over my head.
Today I went out on my own to test my new mobility scooter in a more demanding setting. I decided to beat the pathways up in Oxleas Woods once more. It was such a lovely day, as you can see from the photos. I thought of Bert as I was wandering and I wondered how many of the trees remembered me. I came to one bit where there are what maybe railway sleepers over a bit of a ditch. In an instant I was taken back to the number of times I’d run over them in the past. It’s good sometimes to have a trip down memory lane and honour those who have been important to us and touched and enriched our lives.
I’m sorry I’ve not been so good a blogging or staying in touch lately. It’s been tough on many levels. Physically I’ve been feeling rubbish because I’m struggling to get to the lowest dose I can manage of my steroids. I know I’ll never be totally off them now as my adrenals have packed up, but it would be good to take the bare minimum. Many users of prednisalone call them “the devils tick tacks” They can be really effective to help with some serious problems but then they also cause many serious problems. It’s all a balancing act.
On top of physically feeling rough, I’ve also struggled with my motivation. As I said in my last blog, I’ve lost my mojo a bit. As it’s mental health awareness week I thought it would be good to blog about it.
I’ve not had the easiest of lives. I left home around the age of 15. If the police found me and took me back, I’d just run away again. I had learnt that there was more to life than the sum of my experiences and I wanted more. I wanted life in all its abundance. To get that great life I had to endure sleeping in the back of cars at times, as well as sofa surfing. At 17 I was fortunate to get my first home. It was a really grotty bed sit that had mice and cockroaches. To me it was palatial.
When I was 18 I was really lucky to get my first proper flat. Before then I couldn’t legally sign a tenancy agreement. This beautiful flat was on the old Ferrier Estate in Kidbrook. I was told not to leave my little scooter downstairs if I wanted it still to be there the next day. I would take it up to the flat every night. The first night I stayed there, I was woken by an almighty crash. I went and looked over the balcony to discover a car had ram raided the supermarket in Teleman Square. Despite the roughness of the neighbourhood, I loved it there.
I didn’t have any qualifications to talk of due to my chaotic home life so I did a Manpower Services Course at Woolwich College because it paid me the amazing sum of £25 a week! As a result of that I started volunteering on what was then called a geriatric ward at the Brook Hospital. While I was there the nurses spotted something in me that I hadn’t yet spotted. They thought I’d make a good nurse. I said I couldn’t do it as I had no O levels. They said they would recommend me. They did this and was accepted to train within the then Greenwich and Bexley Health Authority. A week before my training was due to start I did a newspaper article about young people and the problem of solvent abuse. I was talking from experience as I’d abused glue and gas for 2 years but stopped when I left home as I didn’t need that escapism any more.
The school of nursing were not happy with my revelations and said I was no longer suitable to be a nurse. I fought them on this and after an in-depth medical and psychological review they then said I could start 6 months later.
As my life developed I still had challenges and trials and tribulations but I also had some stability and it helped me stay on an even keel.
Sadly I had to give up nursing due to a back injury. It didn’t stop me having good jobs though. I worked in various settings including a mortuary, a mental health hostel, a refuge and ended up managing a large Women’s Centre. Then I started my training for the priesthood and for the last year of that I gave up having such a responsible job to work for St John’s Ambulance as one of their commercial trainers. Once I was ordained I worked as a priest in various parish settings as well as being a hospital and finally school chaplain. Not bad for a kid from Woolwich with no qualifications eh?
I guess all these challenges and experiences helped build a deep resilience in me. No matter what the knock back, I’d take it on the chin and carry on. That was my attitude once I got over the shock of dealing with my blood cancer diagnosis too. It’s also helped me beat numerous sepsis episodes and cope with living a very different life with my physical disabilities that have arisen as a result of living 20 years with cancer and the effects of treatment.
Coming now to more recent events I think I’ve coped admirably with the restrictions of the pandemic. Due to the fact that I’ve had a stem cell transplant I’m considered clinically extremely vulnerable. It’s been hard not doing things and really horrible not being able to hug anyone, especially my grandkids. For over a year I’ve just got on with it. So why now as things are looking more hopeful for a slow return to normal do I find myself struggling? I’ve had little motivation and very low energy.
I suspect that it’s in part due to the continued isolation. I’m very much a people person. I get my energy from being with family and friends and being engaged with the world. I love doing new things and finding new challenges I can complete. I also think that not being able to hug people is hard for me. Another issue is the lack of activity. The main culprit though for my low motivation and energy is that while most of the UK is looking forward to being able to meet up with more people and to eat out or go for a drink, I am still being told to be extremely cautious. The problem is that vaccines don’t work very well in blood cancer or transplant patients. Some trials estimate we might have a 10% response rate as opposed to the 90% that most people get. I’ve been happy to grit my teeth to this point but feel the relentless nature of this situation is now getting a bit much. It’s so hard having no end date and having to rely on the good weather in order to be able to see anyone out in the garden.
My mood is slowly lifting but I don’t think I’m out of the woods yet. I’m going to have to guard against encroaching negativity. I will have to make sure I have some nice treats to look forward to with the better weather. I will have to visit places I haven’t been and go wandering on my scooter. I will have to see if I can dream up another project to keep me occupied. Sometimes I feel like my brain is going to mush because of the lack of stimulation.
One of the things that people learn about me as they get to know me better is that if I’m quiet, there’s usually a problem that I’m chewing over. That’s why I’ve been quite absent from social media over the last few months. Many people pour out their pain and angst as a way to understand it. I’m different in that I have to understand it before I pour it out. That doesn’t mean I don’t need my friends. In some respects when I’m quiet and withdrawn I need distractions even more.
This week is Mental Health Awareness Week. Today is also National Nurses Day. I’ve written this blog to encourage everyone to embrace their mental health. It’s ok not be ok. I also post to honour the nurse in me and what nursing gave me as well as say a heartfelt thanks to all the nurses who have helped me through the last 20 years. Also to recognise the amazing people I’ve worked with over the years in my various roles with the NHS. Thank you to all of you for what you’ve done as well as what you will do. You really do make a difference.
Nurses Day is based on Florence Nightingale’s anniversary.
She was known as the lady with the lamp. Many of you know that I like light in the darkness imagery. I’d like to finish with my favourite quote. The bloke who first said it was a priest who was dying of cancer. “I have learned that suffering when permeated by love has a transforming effect. When I light a candle at midnight, I say to the darkness, I beg to differ”
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