Today is #internationalwomensday so I thought it was a good day to post. It’s also been a year since I had what up till last week was described as a TIA or trans ischaemic attack (mini stroke). I remember the day so vividly. We had a couple of workmen in who were installing a new boiler. I had a mask on as did everyone else in order to protect my immunity. My partner came in the room and asked me something. I tried to answer her and was looking straight at her but no words came out. She turned on her heels and went off thinking that I was distracted or something. Then I started getting this tingling feeling in my arm and leg. I say down and pulled my masks down as I knew something was wrong. My partner came back and spoke to me again. I was trying to write her a note on my mobile but I couldn’t work out how to even open it yet alone write a message. It was weird. She said you can’t talk can you? I was able to shake my head. She said “we’re going straight to the hospital” And we just put our coats on and left. The workman were left wondering what on earth was happening.
Now we wind on a year. This week I finally had my appointment with gastroenterology. This was the first one since October when they took the PEG out and did various biopsies. The lovely consultant was apologetic about all the mistakes that had happened previously. He explained that the muscle in the top of my stomach was too lax and needs tightening. He said that can be done endoscopically and after 3 months they would check again if it’s worked ok. Then he said the muscle in the bottom of my stomach was stiff and not always letting food through. This is a slightly more complicated procedure but still should only involve an over night stay. The biopsies were all fine.
It was good to have this info and to know there was a plan to hopefully improve things.
I was feeling rough that day as originally I had been told my appointment was at 12pm. I then got a text telling me it was at 10am instead. I find getting up early and taking all those horrible tablets really quite challenging. It leaves me feeling very delicate. When I was phoned and asked if I could attend an MRI on the same day I said yes as it’s always good to have two appointments on the same day as it cuts down on the travelling. The scan was booked in for 2pm.
So after I finished with the gastro appointment at 10 instead of just sitting around and waiting till 2pm, I went and knocked on the door of the MRI suite and asked if they could see me earlier. They were lovely and fitted me in straight away.
I was home by 12.30pm so it all turned out ok in the end. Sadly though I still felt pretty grim. The effects of getting up so early were still hanging over me.
On that day I also had a phone call appointment with the stroke/Tia doctor. He was checking if I had any lasting effects from what occurred a year ago. I said that sometimes I forget what I’m saying and I still reach to find words at times. This is unusual for me who is so used to expressing myself and writing things. I also said I still get numbness and tingling in my arms and legs but that could be nerve compression. I explained that I’d had an MRI that morning and was he able to see the results. He asked me to wait why he looked into the computer. He then told me the MRI was available but hadn’t been reported on yet. Then came the bit that I really didn’t see coming. He told me the MRI showed that in fact I’d had a small stroke last year not a TIA as first thought. I was a bit gobsmacked. He said the treatment was still the same and he was happy to discharge me from that clinic. I was happy to be discharged but did feel a bit overwhelmed by the news. My life continues to be unpredictable and challenging.
Later that day after unsuccessfully trying to war some supper I ended up doing some of my huge vomits. This went on for 24hrs and left me feeling completely washed out. I gradually started eating and drinking again. Then blow me down if it didn’t happen again yesterday. I’ve not eaten and I’m feeling quite weak and wobbly.
I know there are several thing against me that contribute to the nausea and vomiting. Alongside the weak muscles and gastroparesis there is also all the medications I take as well as bits of GVHD. Sometimes I would just like a simple life. I long not to feel nauseous and to be able to enjoy food. It just doesn’t happen.
I sent an email to my haematology consultant. I said I wondered if the antifungal and antibiotics I was currently on for my chest infection. They are stronger than the normal stuff so that’s what makes you feel ropey. She has suggested I stop taking one lot and see if things improve if not reintroduce them and stop the other one. This is alongside me already increasing my anti sickness drugs.
I often say to people I don’t mind being this sick but I really hate feeling unwell. What I mean by that is I know I am limited in what I can do. I can’t breathe very well. I can’t walk without pain. I have no energy etc but the throwing up and constant nausea is awful. That’s the bit that gets me.
As well as all these challenging things there have been some lovely events going on. My beautiful granddaughter was finally brave enough to do a backwards flip. I’ve been encouraging her and she sent me a video of her doing it. I was so proud of her and loved to see the delight in her eyes. I had a lovely “walk” in the park with some of my sisters and brother. I caught up with my lovely cousins and celebrated their amazing daughters 18th birthday. It’s always important I think to try and see the light as well as walk unafraid in the darkness.
In my life I have met many amazing women. They have all helped me in different ways to be the strong woman I am today. Among the women that influenced me life are:
My nana
Cagney and Lacey
Mrs Wilson my French teacher
Ros
Wendy
Commander Kira
Frances
Captain Janeway
Marlene
Charlie’s Angels
Mo Molem
Greta Thunberg
Maya Angelou
Germaine Greer
Uhura
Jane Hobday who taught me about prejudice
Diana
Demi Moore
Mala Yousef
Suffragettes
Mary Magdalene
Princess Leah
Then of course I have the wonderful women in my family:
Maggie
Annie
Molly
Gail
Jess
Dawn
Karen
Helen
Sandra
Sarah
Charms
Abbie
Sallie
Linda
Caity
Gill
Hannah
Anne-Marie
Mya
And supporting the women some fairly good blokes
Jeff
Will
Russell
Terry
John
Nick
Josh
I also can’t let this moment go without paying tribute to the amazing women medics who have kept me going over the years:
Sophie
Geke
Janet
Ashleigh
Leonie
Kavita
Katie
Victoria
Carmel
Shu
Pramila
Anna
Ciane
On this special #IWD22 let’s give thanks for all the women who have and who do make us the women we are. Thank you for your love, encouragement and support. I shall finish with some strong womens quotes:
“I raise up my voice – not so I can shout but so that those without a voice can be heard… We cannot succeed when half of us are held back” Malala
“Well-behaved women rarely make history” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“Feminism isn't about making women strong. Women are already strong. It's about changing the way the world perceives that strength.”
G.D. ANDERSON
