Having spent so much time shielding over the last 3 years, I’ve had the space to be even more of a reflective practitioner. I’ve recently been thinking about the little ways we comfort ourself using psychological techniques without really realising it.
When the soap opera Neighbours started, I would watch as I was young at the time. Also my lovely “chosen mum” Marlene was Australian and it made me feel closer to her. I loved the unusual sounds of the birds in the garden or outside shots. I also picked up lots of Aussie turns of phrases such as:
You’ve got Buckley’s or Buckley’s chance, meaning you’ve got no chance
You little ripper
Crack open a tinny
Put another snag (sausage) on the barbie
Thong for flip flops
Bludger meaning lazy
Cobber meaning friend.
I continued to watch neighbours as the years went by. I went with Marlene to Australia when she went back to do a book launch. I went back several years later when she retired back to the place of her birth. She loved showing me her country.
6 years ago Marlene became seriously ill and was diagnosed with 4 brain tumours. She died within 2 months of becoming ill. I had just come out of ICU and wasn’t able to travel to see her. I was heartbroken at not being able to say goodbye.
The following year I had my transplant. It was something she always wanted for me as it was a chance to get well and reclaim my life. I felt her love and encouragement but missed her so much. I’ve always been a street urchin and a really stubbornly independent feisty imp. She was the only person I ever let fuss. She would put a flannel on my head if I had a temperature or a headache. She’d tuck me into bed. She would cajole me to eat and drink. I know Maggie’s life with me was made easier by Marlene teaching me how to give and receive love.
Neighbours continued to provide a small link for me to Marlene despite her untimely death. When it was announced that Neighbours would cease production in July, I was so upset. Weird how these small things have an impact. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to watch the last 40 episodes that I have recorded.
I’ve been feeling a bit rough the last few weeks. As often happens after I’ve had a serious infection, my counts have significantly dropped and the team decided to put me through another bone marrow biopsy. These are awful and a necessary evil if you are a haematology patient. The procedure requires you to lay on your side and bring your knees up. Local anaesthetic is injected into the skin and the needle is pushed in further and further until it hits the bone at the back of your hip. That needle is then removed and a very fine needle is pushed into the centre of the bone marrow. Once located properly a syringe is attached to the needle and the liquid part is taken out. Once they have enough for 4 vials and several slides, they then take that needle out and insert what feels like a cork screw. This is twisted in to the solid part of the marrow and is the separate slice you see. That bit is the worst part of the procedure. After this pressure is applied to control any leakage and then a pressure dressing applied and you have to keep it dry for a couple of days.
I like to hold my phone while having this horrible procedure done. It’s a way of being connected to all those who I know are thinking of me. Strangely my phones screen save came up with a lovely shot of me and Marlene. It was like she wanted me to know she was with me. Also in the middle of the procedure, Maggie called. I couldn’t answer but I did text her back. The nurse doctor and Maggie were impressed that while having something so horrible done, I could still interact with the world.
So coming back full circle, I spent a day in bed this week. That’s highly unusual for me. I had heard the news that Neighbours was going to come back on our screens after new sponsors were found. I decided that as I’d been thinking so much about Marlene, I should watch the last episodes of Neighbours that I had recorded. Hopefully I can drag it out long enough to join up with the new edition of Neighbours when it is resurrected later in the year. Like I say, it’s strange the things we do to comfort ourselves. I’m just really glad that I can continue to feel connected to my lovely chosen mum. One day I hope to be well enough to go back to Oz and pay my respects to Marlene by visiting where she was laid to rest. Until then I have my memories and I also have Neighbours.
I wrote this a month ago but didn’t post as I felt rotten and wanted things to settle. I needed blood transfusions and antibiotics to get me over my serious blip. My neutrophils were at 0. My HB only 73. I had no puff and everything was hard work.
I’m happy to say things are better. My counts are sorting themself out. The team are happy it’s my inability to deal with infection rather than the transplant failing. It’s weird to think that my transplant is deemed as successful. There are no cancer cells in my blood now. Yet despite this, my quality of life is much worse and the physical disabilities that I’m living with make life a challenge at times. I know that I’m one of the lucky ones. I have friends who aren’t or haven’t been so lucky. My heart goes out to them. I also extend my love and prayers to all who for one reason or another have struggled with regaining their health post transplant. Thank good there are a few success stories too. These people help to keep the balance. One day I hope to join their ranks but for now I just grit my teeth and plod on.
