Whilst on call one night I had a very strange call out to HDU. A patient who had been on ICU was now with them and aware enough to realise that her baby had been delivered still born while she was unconscious. She had requested to see the baby. She wasn’t well enough to be taken over to the mortuary, so the baby had been brought to her. She now didn’t want to give the baby back and the staff weren’t sure what to do. It was a Sunday evening and the other staff that might be helpful, like mortuary workers, wouldn’t be around until the morning. In desperation they phoned me.
When I arrived the whole family were visiting and taking turns to hold the baby. After chatting with them I said the baby could stay till the end of visiting time then I’d have to take him back. Mum was very reluctant. She was still a bit dazed and also had learning disabilities. That meant I wasn’t able to give her the booklet about what to do after your baby had died, as she couldn’t read. It was an extremely hot day. The baby needed to be put back in the fridge. My problem was how to explain this with other small children around in a way that wasn’t going to upset them.
I explained about the staff in the mortuary and what good care they’d take of the baby. I also explained that they would take some nice pictures if they wanted some. I went on to say how beautiful the baby was and explained that the only way to keep him looking so beautiful was to keep him cool. The 5 year old then asked me why. Oh dear! How was I going to answer that. I explained that we had blood going round us and we could drink nice drinks in this warm weather and that helped us keep cool but the baby couldn’t do that, so he would go all droopy like a flower that doesn’t have water, so the way to keep him looking so beautiful was to put him somewhere cool. The whole family accepted my explanation and allowed me to take the baby. I’m not sure it was the best explanation in the world but it was “good enough” for the time being and gave me the chance to take the baby away.
I went back to the ward after and spent some time with the mum alone. She was in hospital for weeks and that delayed the funeral. During this time she developed a good relationship with the mortuary staff and felt supported by the hospital in general.
This woman has been in and out of hospital since then and I have been able to support her with all sorts of things including filling in benefit forms for her and her 21 year old daughter who has become her carer. The role of a chaplain is extremely varied.
Shortly after this I met another woman who was struggling to come to terms with the loss of her baby but in very different circumstances. The baby was a very much wanted first child but the mum had taken the very difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy after a severe spina bifida was detected.
I met with mum before she delivered the baby. She asked me if I would bless her baby after she was delivered. I went back after the baby was delivered but mum was in a lot of pain and very tired after a very long and painful night. She asked if I would come back when she was feeling better. After talking to her we agreed to meet in the mortuary. She said for me not to knock but just go in when I arrived.
That day was one of those days. I was feeling tired and fed up. There were lots of demands on me and I was struggling to keep up with them. When I arrived at the mortuary the scene that greeted me was one that was so beautiful it stopped me in my tracks. The mum was cradling the baby and gently rocking her and reading her a story. The story was sleeping beauty and every time sleeping beauty was mentioned the mum changed the words and used the baby’s name instead. I stood behind her witnessing this scene with a lump in my throat.
Later when I was saying goodbye to that woman I thanked her for giving me such a beautiful moment in my day. A few years earlier I had been to a talk given by a Buddhist about beauty. He had said about how you could find beauty in everything, even the mundane like tying your shoelace. I had thought this was navel gazing in the extreme. I also wondered what beauty could be found in the death of a child? What that woman showed me that day was that there can be beauty even amongst the greatest sadnesses such as that of a death of a child.
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