May the 4th be with you

I'm sitting here with my laptop on, feet up and the TV on giving me the latest mayoral and local election results. I'm feeling quite content with the results so far and hope that all political parties truly learn from what the people are saying. Lets hope the same happens when the general election comes and that it's called soon. We need to face our problems like adults and start sorting this mess out. 

Regular readers will know I picked up covid for the first time in July. I've been below par ever since. I've had a dreadful cough. it's not so bad now but it's still very present especially in the morning. On top of this I've developed chronic sinusitis. It's horrible. Last month I had an endoscope shoved up my nose to confirm the chronic sinus problem. The consultant was a gentle soul. He told me to use a decongestant nasal spray for 10 days as well as regular wash outs. It didn't work and I ended up with a few nose bleeds to make matters worse. When my sinuses are full it puts pressure on my face and gives me a headache. Also on the side that's more effected, the darkness under my eye is worse, so much so I've been asked a couple of times if I have a black eye. I don't know if it's connected. I go back to him in August to work out what next. I hope he can do something.

On top of all this, every now and again, I feel dizzy and very nauseous. My appetite is reduced and I've had a gippy tummy. Last night my lovely little sister invited me and Maggie for dinner. She knew I hadn't been eating so well, so she did a jacket spud with some picky bits. She's very thoughtful like that. I didn't manage to eat what was on my plate. About 30 mins after finishing eating. I'd been sitting very relaxed and chatting, when all of a sudden I didn't know if I was going to pass out or be sick. Gail is sick phobic so I knew I had to get out of the way! I managed to stagger out of the room and get to the bathroom. I was sat on the side of the bath but then realised I may pass out so better to get on the floor. Sweat was pouring off me and my breathing was really ragged. My skin felt prickly and clammy. If it's just because I'm going to be sick I don't have all the other symptoms and I get sick really quickly. It took a while for the sick to come up and a while before I felt able to stand again. Normally being sick doesn't faze me at all. I'm so used to it and generally very quiet about it. This time I felt slightly anxious as it impacts on another weird symptom. It's horrible at the time but wears off pretty quickly.

The first time I experienced this weird symptom I mentioned earlier was when I was in Ireland, just after being diagnosed with covid. I was sat at the table eating a meal with my family, including two grandchildren. All of a sudden, I started to cough. It was like food had gone down the wrong hole. As I struggled to catch my breath, it was like my windpipe totally collapsed. I couldn't breathe in or out and as I continued to struggle I was making this awful high pitched noise as I tried to get air in. My partner was frantically slapping me on the back. I remembered that sitting and leaning forward is the best position to open your chest so I sat down. After what seemed like an age but was probably not much more that a minute it suddenly opened up and I could breathe again. I made some quip to the grandchildren about 'well that was dramatic"and tried to gently eat the rest of my food. Inside I was trembling. I am a calm person but that stressed me. 

It happened again on another occasion when I was eating a meal at home. Exactly the same. It's like my windpipe just shuts and I just can't breathe in or out. This time it was only me and Maggie. I have to force myself to be calm which is not easy. I mentioned it to a doctor who had no idea but said to keep an eye. The third time it happened, I was having a meal with my brother and sister-in-law. The offending bit of food was a piece of raw broccoli. It only touched the back of my throat, I didn't even swallow.

This time I sent an email to one of my consultants. He said it's not my windpipe collapsing but a spasm and to go to A&E if I'm worried. Not particularly helpful. I wouldn't go to A&E after its happened because I'm fine then and I do't want to waste precious NHS resources. The last time it happened it was not around food at all. I was getting ready for bed. Maggie was out. I just started to choke for no reason. and my airway slammed shut. I sat on the bed and lent over my side rail. It seemed to go on and on. All I could hear was this high pitched noise and I could feel the panic rising. I was convinced Maggie would come home to a corpse! It was a horrible experience and was by far the worst one. As a result I reminded Maggie how to give CPR and what to do in that scenario. Not a nice thing to have to do but I was convinced it was getting worse.

This has left me with an anxiety I've never had before. I'm much more aware of how I eat. When I got sick last night I began to feel the vomit catching my throat. As I was throwing up I was thinking "Oh my God. What if it happens now?" Fortunately it didn't. I was mightily relieved.

Going back full circle, when I met the lovely ENT consultant I asked him if he knew about throats as well as noses. He asked me why and I explained. He asked me if I have reflux, which I do. He explained he thinks it's a spasm that cut's the breathing off for a while but then is ok. He said worse case scenario you pass out and your breathing comes back to normal. It can often be triggered by a respiratory infection. Well I've had one respiratory problem or another since July finally having a negative test at the beginning of March. 

The ongoing and relentless nature of these late effects from my cancer treatment, at times leaves me really debilitated. I refuse to lose spirit though. On this special Star Wars Day I want to encourage you to feel the force within and around you. You are all so much stronger than you think. Always remember."This too shall pass!"