My senior colleague was unfortunately
going to be off sick for the next few months. I knew this would be tough, as I
would have to step into the space she left behind, but not over do it to my own
detriment. I was going to have to learn to pace myself better as well as learn
the administration of the service which my colleague usually does.
I have developed quite a good working
relationship with the staff on ICU. I regularly wander through and chat to
staff and say hello to patients and their visitors. That then stands me in good
stead should I be called in in-extremis as I’m already a familiar figure.
During my wanderings I had gotten to
know a particular patient and his family very well. Due to his obesity he had
serious heart problems. He needed an operation and was trying to lose weight so
that he could have the surgery. We got on really well and had regular bantering
sessions. His daughter was due to get married that summer and there was a real
question mark as to whether the patient would live that long. The family asked
me if there was any way that the daughter could get married in the hospital at
her father’s bedside. I looked into it and found out that it was possible.
The paperwork took a while to sort out
and we had many lovely conversations around the bed about all sorts of things.
The patient was a real questioner and I encouraged him by telling him there was
no such thing as a stupid question. He asked me one day why you had to shut
your eyes when you pray? I said you didn’t and explained that you could pray at
any time and in any way that you were comfortable with and said that some
people close their eyes so not to be distracted. He then asked me for the words
of the Lord’s prayer so that he could join in when I prayed for him. He felt he
couldn’t before because he was meant to keep his eyes shut. He also asked if he
could be confirmed as he now knew that he could pray with his eyes open. I was
sure this would be alright and said I’d arrange it with the Bishop.
One day when I arrived he was a bit
uncomfortable and told me he had a tummy ache. I explained that I had just been
praying for a little baby on NICU who needed to have a poo. The patient asked would I pray for them both in my prayers that day. Every day after that he always asked after the
little baby. I wrote out a prayer for the baby and gave it to him so that he
could pray it whenever he felt like it. He was really pleased with this.
The paperwork came through and the
daughter was given a special licence to marry at her Dad’s side. Plans were
made for the weekend amongst much excitement.
The Tuesday morning that week I had a
call from a friend’s husband. He told me the devastating news that my fiend had
had a massive stroke and was not expected to survive. She was only 39 and they
had a 4 year old daughter. I speedily made arrangements for a parish colleague to
cover me for emergencies at the hospital as I was the only chaplain in that day due to my
colleagues long term sickness absence.
My friend, lived about 2 hours
away. When we arrived at the hospital her husband was there on his own. We
spent some time together then a doctor came to talk to him. He asked me if I
would come with him to hear what the doctor had to say. The doctor gave him
the awful prognosis and asked if his wife was on the donor register. She was and he explained she
would like everything used that could be. The doctor said the transplant co-ordinator
would be in to talk to us next.
The co-ordinator turned up and took us
through the process. We went with my friend to the anaesthetic room where they would
disconnect her from the ventilator. The plan was that when she stopped
breathing they would take her into theatre to remove her organs. Unfortunately my friend started to breathe for herself when they disconnected her. The co-ordinator
explained that this sometimes happened and if she died in the next 2 hours her
organs could still be used.
While we were waiting for my friend to die my mobile phone
started to vibrate madly in my pocket. It kept going off, so in the end I
excused myself to answer it. It was my colleague at the hospital to say that
the patient whose daughter was to be married has suddenly deteriorated and
would not last much longer. He and the family were asking for me. I felt awful.
I knew I couldn’t leave my friend but I also wanted to be with this patient and
his family. I gave my colleague messages for them all and promised that no
matter what time I got away I would come to the hospital on my way home.
I went back into the anaesthetic room
and felt really heavy with emotion. My friend didn’t stop breathing, so after 2
hours we went back to ICU with her to wait for her to die. By the evening we
were all rung out so I persuaded Mark to go home and have something to eat. We
went home and picked up his daughter and half heartedly tucked into some fish
and chips. I left him around 10pm.
I kept my word and came into the hospital
around midnight. The patient had died and his family had finally left. He was
laid out but still in the room. I gently unwrapped his head and anointed him
and gave him a blessing. I just wanted to rest my head on him and weep but I
knew I couldn’t as some of the staff needed support. They were upset at the way
he had suddenly died before his daughter could get married.
I went home feeling completely
drained. The next day I spoke to the family and they asked me to come to the
funeral home and do a ceremony with them. We arranged that and I took the same
oil that I had anointed the patient with and got them all to anoint him too. It
was very touching and very moving.
My friend died the next day. I
felt useless as I was so far away from the situation and had my work commitments. A humanist funeral was arranged as my friend had no truck with organised religion. In my
opinion the funeral was awful. It was bland and had no substance to it. This woman was a loud and bubbly character. When she laughed people stopped in their tracks. This service didn’t seem personal to her at
all. Her husband asked me to read the poem that I had read at their wedding 5 years
earlier. He also asked all the mourners not to wear black but to wear as much
colour as possible. As I looked up and saw all the colour that represented what
a colourful person my friend was, I felt very sad at the greyness of the ceremony of
her funeral. It made me more determined than ever that any funeral I was involved with
would always have substance.
When it came to the patient’s funeral
I shared the ceremony with the families vicar and gave the eulogy. The patient
had given me messages for his wife and son and daughter to be given out at the
funeral. It was a very emotional occasion and there were lots of tears as well
as much laughter. It was a fitting tribute to this larger than life character
who had given so much love to his family.
Both my friend and this patient were
lovely, lovely people, with hearts of gold. They would do anything for their
families and left behind some devastated people. What is so sad is this could
have been prevented if only they were able to control their weight. I do not
understand what drives people to stay obese. I understand that people get hurt
by all sorts of things and that obesity is like a blanket that protects them
from future hurt. I also understand that, for them, food brings comfort. I
sometimes wish I had enough love to go round that would take the hurt away from
these people so that they could lead their lives and carry on giving love into
their old age.
I felt quite wrung out by all these
events so on the spur of the moment went away to Norfolk on my weekend off to get away from
everything and re-charge my batteries. I’ve learnt the importance of regular
breaks while I’m working in such a demanding job. If I don’t take good care of
me how can I encourage patients and their relatives to do the same?
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