A few important anniversaries have occurred recently. The first one was last Friday. On this day 20 years ago I was ordained in Southwark Cathedral.
I remember that deeply spiritual moment when the bishop laid his hands on my head and I could feel my soul sigh. I closed my eyes, which is really unusual for me, and I knew I’d finally come home to the place I was meant to be.
I served my title (trainee vicar) at St Saviours in Eltham. I already knew Wendy, AKA the Pink Vicar, who was the Priest in charge of the parish. She said something really valuable to me at the start of our working together. She told me I had the right to learn from her but I didn’t have to become her. This was good news because although we have loads in common, we are different people. There started a heathy and nurturing working relationship that sustained us both.
The congregation took me to their hearts. They loved my funny ways including walking down the aisle on a pair of stilts to illustrate stepping out in faith. I was in full robes at the time too. Lol. Another happy memory that raised an eyebrow was when I handed out chocolate at the communion rail on Easter Day.
After a year of being a deacon, I was ordained priest. I was loving being a curate at St Saviours but I wanted more. I realised I should have put myself forward for full time ministry. My lack of confidence about my academic ability had gotten in the way. I realised I was wrong and I wanted to swap to full time stipendiary ministry. I was put through my paces once again and sailed through the process. I was also able to get a a job as a chaplain at Lewisham Hospital with the Bishops permission before my transfer to stipendiary came through.
I had 5 happy years working with some amazing patients, relatives and staff. Our hospital was one of the first to offer baby funerals to any parents experiencing any form of pregnancy loss. I remember one very sad case. A woman contacted me after the Alderhay scandal over the keeping of specimens. She told me she hadn’t wanted any funeral at the time of her miscarriage and she went on to regret that. She wondered if the slides were still at the hospital that were taken from the foetus. I was able to locate these slides and her and her husband came in and spoke at length to me about where that were at. We decided to have a small funeral service at the crem for all that remained of their baby. I was able to get a tiny cardboard coffin that I put the slides in. The service was only 15 minutes but it was beautiful and very moving. The family contacted me several weeks later and said they felt so much easier with themselves now and they thanked me for honouring and giving voice to their grief.
It was an amazing job that put me in the very privileged position of standing at the point where the love of God met the mess of the world. I flourished in it and was able to be really creative including becoming part of the palliative care team and attending all crash calls while on duty. I was changed by that experience and hold several precious memories deep within my heart.
As my health deteriorated I needed to have a rethink. You know the best way to make God laugh is to tell her your plans. My next move took me back to school. I couldn’t believe it. I’d left home and school around the age of 15. What on earth did I know about schools. Our God has a good sense of humour so off I went to be Associate Vicar at St Hugh’s Bermondsey and Chaplain to St Saviours and St Olave’s School. Despite my misgivings God and the Bishop’s faith in me proved to be accurate. I loved it. I went from dealing with horrendous trauma and call outs in the night to mopping up the tears of children whose rabbit had died. I learned that if you take children’s fears and anxieties seriously, even if they seem trivial, they will come back to you with the big things.
Sadly for me the split nature of the role meant I was working crazy hours. It felt like I had two full time jobs. I didn’t have any down time. When the school was quiet, the parish was busy and vice versa. Despite loving what I was doing and meeting some amazing people when I was asked to take on a full time school chaplaincy I jumped at it. After 3 years I said a tearful goodbye and headed off to Maidstone.
My new job was to create a Christian ethos in a school that wasn’t previously Christian. They wanted someone who could cope with sorting this out when some may be hostile. I think they also liked my unorthodox Rebel Rev ways! Again I loved it. I enjoyed the challenge of making the love of God real to all I encountered. Chaplains are there for people of all faiths and none. I’m happy working that way as I think that’s the essence of what’s good about believing in a God of love.
It didn’t take long before the kids, their families, staff and governors all started using me and seeing the value of having someone like me around. Every break and lunchtime I had a chapel full of kids. It was great fun and there was never a dull moment. I learned so much and built on my knowledge of education already gained from my previous role. I was used to mediate with angry parents, to hold restorative justice meeting between kids who had fallen out or staff and kids or staff and staff. My pastoral role and gifts shone and excelled. I was asked to give a speech every year to the prospective new parents about what a caring school we were and how we’d look after all of their child’s needs not just not the academic ones. I spoke at Chaplains conferences about changing the ethos of the school. I was well respected all round and again proved the people that suggested me for the job had got it right. Just to be clear I did interview for the job too. I wasn’t just slotted in. The day of the interview I was feeling really ill. My partner was away so I asked my mate Anna to come with me in case I became too unwell to continue. When we got to the venue I was welcomed. The interview was on the first floor. At that point I could still manage stairs but as I was climbing the stairs I was really struggling to breathe. I got in the room and thought I was going to pass out. I spotted the water left for me and took a big gulp. I started to feel a bit better. I don’t remember much about the rest of the interview. When I left I went to the cafe next door where Anna was patiently waiting. I told her I felt dreadful and we needed to get a taxi to A&E. Within a few hours I was admitted and given an emergency blood transfusion and put on an HDU ward. The next day I was diagnosed with a burst duodenal ulcer. How I got through that interview I’ll never know. The memory of it makes me shake my head and smile.
Sadly after 5 fantastic years I was made redundant. The school didn’t want me to go, nor did the kids or the parents. Sadly education is very badly funded these days. Many academies take over in a blaze of glory but then have to make loads of redundancies. While some get richer, the kids suffer. This has happened over and over again all round the country. Pastoral teams and student mentors are disappearing at a rate of knots. Over worked teachers then have to do all the pastoral stuff at the same time as being under enormous pressure to keep grades up and tick all the boxes that Ofsted requires. I won’t rant any further but it’s a very sad state of affairs.
As it turned out, the redundancy came at the right time. I left in the summer of 2016 and had my stem cell transplant in the October of that year. As things stand, 7 years later, I’m still in recovery and unable to work.
I’ve had such deep and rich encounters through my ministry. I’m so lucky I found my calling. What saddens me is, since I’ve been unable to work or go to church, I’ve been allowed to fall off the edge. Who cares for the carers? Initially after the transplant I wasn’t well enough to go. Then the pandemic hit and it wasn’t safe. I feel very far away from the establishment and the formal structures. My relationship with God is ok but I know these things need to be nurtured by being in fellowship. It makes me really sad that at this 20 year anniversary I’m not able to exercise any formal ministry. I could now do some bits and bobs physically having survived a recent first covid infection but nobody ever asks apart from the odd funeral. Even though I couldn’t do things in person, I could still write prayers or offer support via zoom. No one tried to keep me connected. I don’t know where to go next. I don’t like this feeling of disillusionment but I have to acknowledge that’s where I’m at. “Faith is reaching your hand out into the darkness and finding it held.”
I mentioned at the start that there were two important anniversaries just now. Today is 8 years since my lovely chosen mum Marlene died. I know she’s been close to me today. I had a couple of comforting signs. The nurse I saw today was called Marlene. Also a conversation with a friend later ended up with her saying something that Marlene always said. It was so nice to have these reminders but it’s a little bittersweet. I could really do with a chat with my “mum” just now. My head is full of all the above and I have to find a way through it. Marlene would always help me find my way. Love and miss you Guapa May you continue to rest in peace.
I saw my respiratory consultant today. He thinks I may have long Covid. Sigh! Great eh? My lung function is slightly reduced from the last one but that’s understandable given my recent Covid infection. I’m lucky it’s not been loads worse.
I’ve found writing this out to be quite emotional. Thank you for “listening” God bless this mess!
