There was another patient that I saw on a fairly regular basis, She was 83 and had had several strokes which left her totally dependent. Her husband had been her sole carer for a number of years. He is an ex-naval man and quite traditional in his view of the roles of men and women yet he gladly does everything for his wife. I first met him a couple of years ago. At that time he told me he would never cope if anything happened to his wife.
This admission was difficult because he was blaming himself for the fall that had resulted in a broken pelvis for his wife. He had momentarily taken his eye off her as he was transferring her from the car to her wheelchair when someone had said hello. They were on their way into church at the time. I kept trying to say that accidents happen but he wouldn’t have it. He was being really hard on himself. His anger then turned towards the woman who had said hello and at that point she became the enemy and he would call her names in his anger and frustration. At one point it even became my fault because I had found the church for him a year ago and if he hadn’t been taking his wife there then it wouldn’t have happened, although he never said this directly to me. Eventually his wife was discharged to a rehab centre until she was well enough to go home. With this turn of events he seemed to be much calmer.
I was really concerned over what would happen to this man when his wife did eventually die. In my chats with him I didn’t seem to get anywhere with him when I talked about the fact that we all must die some day. He would say to me that he would never forgive God if he takes his wife away. I tried to tell him that I didn’t believe God works like that, it’s just a fact of life that from the moment we are born the only certainty is that one day we will die. He won’t have any of it. I also talked to him about the length of his marriage and what a blessing that must have been over the years, but none of it seemed to make a difference. Yet he continued to seek me out whenever his wife was admitted and loves buying me a hot chocolate while we have a good chat. All I could do was continue to be there and listen until the fateful day came.
That day came this summer. The wife came in during the night. I was bleeped as things looked very bleak. When I arrived I spent some time with the man at his wife’s bedside. Then we went off for a hot chocolate. During this time his daughter arrived. I took the man back to the bedside and we said some prayers and got them both to anoint their loved one. The man was still hoping for a miracle. His daughter persuaded him to go home. They both came back early the next morning and were with this woman, that had suffered so much, as she peacefully slipped away.
The man was incredibly upset and yet also quite calm. I was wondering when he would fall apart. He came to see me several times to ask practical questions. My hardest job was persuading him that he couldn’t keep his wife with him at home until the funeral. I tried to do this delicately but two weeks in the heat of the summer would have created a big problem. In the end he settled on two nights.
The priest in the local church took the service and I attended even though it was my day off. This man had trusted me with so much over the years I thought it was right and proper that I should pay my respects. It was a lovely service. The vicar acknowledged the good work between the hospital and the parish in passing the couple on into their care. It’s great when things turn out well. I know this parish can now give the man much more support that I can as a busy full time chaplain. I haven’t seen him yet since the funeral. I will drop him a line and invite him to our annual memorial service. I hope he is ok. I suspect it may not have totally hit him yet.
I am now on holiday for a week. More posts when I get back
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